Don't let me be alone

I just want to say something that's been on my mind lately. I'm scared. I feel like I was isolated. It's like I was trapped. Sometimes, I'm feeling alone even though I'm not.

My father.. I feel like I lost him. I see him everyday when he comes home from work but it's just feel like he's out of my reach. I feel like he's drifting away. I don't know him anymore. And I'm scared. I'm scared of losing him.

I wish he could feel what i feel. At least I hope he can see right through me. My mom has been worried about me. She constantly asking what's going on. But I don't have the guts to tell her what exactly I'm thinking. I don't wanna hurt her but i can't keep it all to myself. Sometimes my emotion going over drive for this. At some moment, it makes me cry. Am I selfish for feeling like this?

My mom forced me to talk to her and I finally did. I told her what I feel. She totally understand why I feel what I feel. She told me to talk about it with him directly but how? How could I told him about my own fear? The fear that's been cause by him.

There are some times when I fear that I'd loose myself. What would happened if I can't open my eyes again? When I no longer breathing? I'm scared. I'm scared that I'll be left alone. I'm scared that I can't reach out to all of them again. That I'll lost them forever. I'm scared of myself. I'm scared cause I know I'm not good enough. 

Pa.. Please.. I don't want to be alone. I don't want you to leave again. I don't wanna loose you again. Please.. Don't hurt me like this. I don't wanna be someone like I used to. Like who I was when I feel numb so I need to hurt myself to being able to feel again. Please.. I don't wanna cross that path again. Though I have more reason now that prevent me of doing so. But when every reason choose to leave me, what was left for me to fight for? How if no one care enough to let me love them? And that's just fuel my fear.

I try to hold on for things that I have but if those things won't let me hold it, what am I going to hold on into? I know that I still have Allah but I still need someone I know who will want me to be there for them. Someone who need me to fight for them. Someone who won't leave me alone no matter what happened in my life. Not by presence directly but knowing that they'll support me that's enough for me.